I Tried Nattō.

So I'm trying to do this thing where I record the things that I have tried in my life on here and I guess this will be the first installment of this "series" if you can call it that. Okay, lets get on with it.

So about Natto, the correct spelling is supposed to be spelled with the diacritic above the O but I haven't figured out how to do that on my keyboard so without the accent it is. But yes, I tried Natto and it was Natto good (read as NOT good, I'm sorry I'll see myself out). But before we talk about the event lets go over a brief explanation of what it is so we can both pretend to be a person of culture with a penchant for endless knowledge. Natto is a traditional Japanese food made from whole soybeans that have been fermented for a certain period of time. It's often eaten as like a breakfast item most commonly served with rice, it can also be served with tare sauce, soy sauce, or karashi mustard. No one is sure of the exact origin of Natto but there are theories that they were codeveloped a long ass time ago. So turns out, no one is really sure where the fuck they got that idea from but they are certainly running with it. According to my expert research (AKA wikipedia) roughly 70% of people in Japan find the taste of Natto pleasant, while the rest of them don't like that shit but eat it anyways out of habit. Can you imagine? Having to eat something you find gross or at the very least unpleasant but you eat it anyways cuz it's 4PM and you always down 6 raw eggs as a preworkout cuz idk funsies.

Now that we have slightly covered Natto, I''ll officially give you my expert review of this classic japanese dish. As mentioned above, it was not good. But let me explain myself, afterall this is what this article is for. So Amy and I went to this japanese restaurant who shall remain nameless because very clearly I cannot afford a lawsuit. But in said restaurant they had the option of a six piece natto sushi and I thought to myself wow that is neato, and after much deliberation with Amy I was able to talk her into trying it with me as we both had never had natto before. Amy has this thing with textures where she gets extremely grossed out by the idea of any of her food being slimy, smelly, or remotely booger related. Which looking at the picture above you can tell this was right in her wheelhouse. One of my many motto's in life and also the reason why I wanted to try writing this series is to "always try things at least once" and that way you KNOW for a fact if you like or don't like something. Amy is also like that in a way and so I was able to convince her to order it after promising her that if she didn't like it I would eat the rest of it with her. Horrible idea.

So we order it and eventually through the magical powers of the kitchen it arrives at our table. This is the moment that I had been most excited about. New experiences FUEL my ADHD and hold my interest like no other. I was deadset on trying this magical bean TONIGHT.  We both pick our victims off the plate and the first thing that hits you is the smell. For those of you that have tried fermented food before, they all carry a unique smell that most folks gag and run away from, however for those that LIKE fermented food we almost welcome that shit. It's almost like a badge of honor and after consuming that particular item enough you begin to develop a love for that smell and then eventually it no longer bothers you. For me, I absolutely LOVE stinky tofu but to other people its a huge turn off when the name has the word stinky in it, but for me the smell is amazing and it has never bothered me.

I like to think I've developed a small appreciation for that fermented smell, Natto straight up pants me, bent me over, smacked my tushy and said "No bitch, think again.". That shit was horrid, it erased all 25 years of the tolerance I thought I had against stinky stuff and ravaged my nostrils leaving behind entrails of putridness and pushed my gag reflexes to beyond pornstar levels. But it's not done yet, oh no sir, if you were anything like me you shoved that natto into your mouth with the fast acting bravado you mustered up before you smelled it which made it way too late for you to back out once you had already gotten a whiff and so it ended up in your mouth before the neurons in your nose could travel into your brain and communicate the horrors it had smelled so that your brain could tell your hands "NOOOOOOOOOO" and smack that shit out your hands. Now THAT was a run on sentence. Anyways, long story short, I smell it I get scared but it was too late to stop so I put it in my mouth. Thats when you begin to get acquainted with the tecture of those nasty little beans. Its sticky but also slimy but also sticky and it coats the inner linings of your mouth clinging on to those supple cheeks refusing to relinquish its grasp on you. Amy and I both gagged but that thing was six buckaroos and that meant each piece was a dollar's worth and I'll be DAMNED if I spit this out. So after much subtle gagging and almost practicing the art of regurgitation I FUCKING SWALLOW. That's right people, ya boy swallows.

I look over at Amy and she is about to fire hydrant style throw up all over this little tightly packed restaurant. She's panicking at this point because she knows what about to happen and I tell her to just walk subtly to the bathroom and spit it out, nobody has to know. She leaves and proceeds to do her business and that leaves me with four hard to look at fermented bean sushi pieces. I start to gaslight myself, "maybe it's not that bad, you were just unprepared the first time around. If you drown it in soy sauce it's probably really good. If Japan can love it so can you.". And so I pick up another one. I drown that piece of shit in soy sauce. Cover that shit head to toe in liquid beans and I stare at it with the ferocity of a house cat... and I fucking put that shit in my mouth... again. Nope. Just as bad as the first time if not worse because I already know what it tastes like. This time however I very definitely nearly throw up but I hold it in my mouth carefully, avoiding my tongue but biding just enough time to feel my gag reflex calm the fuck down and then I channel all the might of my chinese ancestral line and I force myself to swallow that shit for the last time. I stare at the last three and right then and there I knew that I stood no chance against those demon beans. Amy and I suffered a devastating loss that night. The rest of the food was sub-par but nothing could hold a candle to the horror of those beans.

My motto in life is to always try something at least once. That way you know for a fact that you don't like something. And I can tell you WHOLE HEARTEDLY that I am definitely not in Camp Natto. There are a lot of things that I think are pretty gross, durian is an example (wait till I try those again lol) but honestly natto shook that line up pretty good because it very swiftly and easily rose to my number 1 thing I will never eat again.

But what is the point of this piece? It certainly isn't to dissuade you from trying natto, if anything I'm trying to convince you to try it. Mostly because I want to know just how fucking insane one has to be to like it, but also because Amy and I trying natto has now ironically been so traumatizing that it has kind of become a core memory for me. Years from now I can think back (or read this piece) and remember how one time Amy and I were both about to tear up this poor little japanese joint with our natto vomit and that's something we would've never had had we not tried that horrific food. You should try it (with friends or loved ones, I don't recommend doing this alone, you could die) and that memory will live with you until you die or develop some sort of mental health issue where you forget specifically traumatizing events in which case, good for you.