Being too scared to start.

So I'm currently stuck in a rut, in fact there are many ruts that i'm stuck in. I'm stuck in a creative rut, i'm stuck in a financle rut, the list could go on forever. This website in particular is a really big conundrum to me. On the one hand I love what I have here, being able to write whatever I want to say and put it on the internet for strangers to read is great but at the same time I have no idea what I want to say here because while its nice to put out whatever topic I want, I still want to stay relatively in the field of stuff that people would want to read. Personally I don't really see this webspace taking off ever, I think blogs and websites like mine are a dead art form. This is really just so that I can have a creative outlet at the lowest possible form. But even with all that, the two readers that I do have, I still feel like it would be a disservice to them if I wrote peepee poopoo peepoo poopee, posted it, and congratulated myself for a hard day of work.

Thats really why I write posts like these. Don't know what to write? Write about that. Can't finish projects because your brain is literally trying to sabotage you? Write about it. Maybe I'll just use this space to just review things that I buy. I want to start a youtube channel (something that I've been saying for the last 6 years) but really more so to document my life so that sometime in the future I'm able to look back at what I've done in my life and if it just so happens that I share it with people than thats just an extra bonus. But see I say that but I would also want my channel to do well and so I feel compelled to do all the more popular stuff to boost my channel and garner more people. I have so many things that I want to do but I don't want to settle for mediocre and so I feel the need to over compensate and put out high quality shit and if I don't do that I SUCK... but then the conundrum is because I've never done it before I can't possibly expect myself to put out high quality shit without sucking first but then I can't afford to suck and so I just up end up not doing anything. You see my problem? Honestly that's why I started this webpost. I already knew how to write in the english language, there was no way I was gonna be able to fuck that up. This sort of cleared the stress of having to put out grade A stuff as I knew the style of writing I wanted to do and I knew I could do it.

This turned out to be a completely different post than my inital title would suggest. Now I kind of want to use this as a post to encourage myself, and maybe also the ones reading, to go and start whatever it is you want to but feel like you can't. The beginning of every year, I like to plan out Q1 and Q2 of my year. I don't plan too far ahead because things change but I always try and map out the first sixth months, I like planning ahead and it makes me really excited when I do it but the hardest part is executing the plan for me. I'm pretty sure one of my goals this year was to put out one video a month which would've equated to about 12 videos for the year and I can tell you WITH CONFIDENCE that I have produced none. In the spirit of writing this piece I will try my fuuuucking hardest to make at least one video if not two. I recently moved to a new apartment and I've been designing it with filming in mind and so I'm excited to film there I just haven't mustered up the courage to do it. BUT NO MORE. That shit is getting done. Hopefully there will be an update on this but if not, just know that I tried super hard lol.

Well hopefully this piece serves as a example that anyone could get scared by the daunting force that is the first step towards starting something you're excited about. I definitely don't have everything figured out and honestly a lot of times writing all of this out for you guys also helps me map out the steps in my head or just helps lead me to clarity about how I feel about things. Anyways, I'm getting distracted again and just going on and on about the same shit over and over again. You guys get the point now, ignore the fear and just do it anyways. It's probably going to suck the first couple of time, you'll definitely be bad at it but keep going and eventually something will click with you and the quality of your work will continue to get better and better. That's what i'm going to tell myself and hopefully I'll be able to speak it into existence. You got this, I love you whoever you are and I'm rooting for you.

Thank you,

Alex